But you know the thing about romance is people only get together right at the very end

For what seems like the one millionth time, I must return something I wish to keep for I am in desperate need of money. The item: an adorable pair of white heels lined w/ pink. Winter white, as Alisa called them. And I went w/ that, for I do not know the rules of "No white after labor day." Regardless, they are dead to me now. Along w/ their return will also go a few items randomly purchased at Target (damn you for making me buy things I really don't need...and sometimes don't want). I mourn the loss of each and every item.

When did I become the last of the single girls? When, as I believe someone once said on "Sex and the City" but I cannot remember which character, did everyone start pairing up? I'm left alone to wait for that one person who can live up to my high standards. Not high in the sense that I expect flowers every day (flowers die....what's the point?) or even want someone to open my car door (I'm fine w/ the reach over and unlock) but just someone who meets certain criterium. Being alone is the price I will pay. Can I still complain even when I turn suitors away? Yes, yes I can. B/c even then I can say "I never meet anyone I like" thus altering the usual "I never meet anyone." Honestly, anyone reading this must assume this is all I think about. Not true, but it is what I like to quasi-rant about. It weighs on my mind in dead silence.

I have this very romanticized ideal of love and everything that goes w/ it (even dating...I'm not one to waste my time- but I'm also not looking to get married, so where does that leave me?). I think I'm really into longing, me longing for someone else, someone else longing for me. Like Romeo & Juliet, w/o the suicide thing. I cling to images from tv and movies, they create these ideas that things really can be that great....always. And now I can't settle for anything regular. I want extraordinary. It can't all be fiction, can it?

According to Emily, my friend JMP is going through that phase after college where you freak out about what's next...and he thinks he's the only one going through this. B/c when you do, you feel so f*cking alone. Our minds are not yet equipped to handle such confusion. I mean, it's the rest of your life, right? That's what you think- what do I want to do with the rest of my life? Scary sh*t. I wish I could say I was over that phase.

I need my holiday break starting....now. Yes, this exact moment.
R.